Sorry It's been so long . . . title "Stumbling Air"

She pushes me away, small tears corner her eyes. What I couldn't understand was why she had loved me so much. Why love was never NEVER equal and why I had lost my mind in the past memories which is against my sole principle in life. The girl, now a woman, will never know how much I truly love her, and how much that love will hold strong. How did I know this? Because the years have passed and still I stare at her pictures like something real will come out of them. Like some-sort of reunited connection will magically appear and once again consume my meaning in life. What kind of fucked up love is that? If love at all. Engrained infatuation? My father. I look at him and I cry and cry and cry. I am and will always be one of those schmuck hopeless romantics who can not let go, and further more let past love dwell daily. My father was divorced by my mother in 1993, and still every year for her birthday he will drop off a small package containing a heart shaped box on her door step full of mint chocolates. My mother, in a drunken stupor, told me a couple years back that she hates mint chocolate, but she never had the heart to tell my father. It was just something she short term craved during her first pregnancy of my sister. Every year, no joke. He is not married and almost 60, and never has been in a solid relation (or any that I know of) since the divorce. Once in as I talk to him he silently cries as we discuss my childhood with him and her as a family. His love for her baffled me most my life. Well until now. Until I scroll through pictures of years ago and hold my breath. Everything about her stays fresh in my mind. Her beauty, her laughter, her kisses, everything. But I bet on everything I own she seldom even thinks of my name, much less remember a damn thing about me, and what we use to have. I can say with some retort that I am not my father. Yes, my feelings seem to stay the same though times flies forward, but I can love and love many the same. I am polyamorus. I always will be, and have been. Loving more than one person is so fulfilling and amazing, that now (after years of being poly)I couldn't imagine being monogamous. How boring, how complicated, how stressful and overwhelming. Today is the first day in a few months where I've truly felt sad mainly because of past memories.

And I'm not afraid to name, names. These people are very, very loved by me, and consume a portion of my brain that drives me wild.

I miss Embry's company and compassion. She is beautiful, charming, and I will ALWAYS wish she was just a little bit lesbian :) She is talented and probably will stay the most important person in my life, forever. The best of the best friend I could ever wish for. Truly, I love you Embry Elizabeth.

I miss Juliet, the Juliet to my Romeo love life. She like me is stumbling through the free life and loves deeper than anyone I've known. Just to know her makes me happy. And I knew I would fall in love with her from the first moment I laid eyes on her. O.K. cupid, you won! She is the most fierce lover, and gentle friend. I fucking love this girl so much.

I miss my son, Julian Soriano Lueck, the little me, the little him. The person I will never see and always miss. He has proven to me there is only one type on unconditional love, and that is of mother to child.

I miss Adrienne. Smart, funny, the most sexual inducing girlfriend I've had. She is the only one who plagued me with the beautiful mystery of her mind. On the desktop of my computer I still have her folder, and can't seem to hide or delete it. She is the girl I can say with all honesty, was too good for me, and I'm so glad that I had a small opportunity to be part of her life.

I miss Rachael. The one person who completely made me and then completely destroyed me. Heart pounding, blood rushing, delirium causing touches that me question if that state, that moment was even real. Though I would never be with or around her again, I will never stop loving her, never. And lastly I hate Jen Walker, but miss her so fucking much.

AND

I love you Jenn LuShags :)

I love you Madi.

I love you Panda.

I love you Gabe/Gabe. Both sides are truly amazing ;)

Seriously, while I'm working my ass off, I never want you guys to leave home . . . ever ;)

BUT with all the love in my life, I can say with confidence I could always love more. There are so many satan damn people in this world who mystify me with the essence of their being. I can't wait to get the bulk of my work done, so I can go out again and meet new people.

Sorry for Rambling, I meant this to be a short as per normal, but shit happens, and I will be on the fiction Short Story Road soon enough! Too busy I can't even think of writing fiction.

THIS IS WHY I HAVE NOT WRITTEN IN SO LONG

CHECK IT OUT! (even though it is a little lame, I'm a writer not a web designer)