The Delusion of You

Dearest Thoughts, you are driving me insane. I roam around each corner with a delirious head on this weaken body. Where did time go before I saw the end? And the truest memories of that of the past and of that of your glory are those in which bring me tears, those in which make me believe in true love, and how it plagues the essence of my existence. I drown myself in the wishes and hopes that someday you will be replaced in this corner of my mind. That someday, someone will ignite those chemicals that make up my love for you in my life. Trapped. Nailed to the floor, and stuck behind reality, I could Never feel so confident again as my youth now fades me with the trickles of past love blinding what future love could be, or won’t be, because of How I lost myself in those eyes. It is now that I have replaced love with comfort. It is now that I take a mental lashing every time I am forced into saying the things I no longer feel. Why? Because of You? Hardly. You were just sweeping along your half life in me, and running away screaming when the lights turned on and I revealed my true joy in your being. And like I said before I have now awaken to reality to find myself being pint up all these years due to your ungraceful exit. I should have never believed that everything in this world can be equal, because in time I have found myself in YOUR shoes, playing YOUR game. And I awake in the night screaming to myself. Screaming of the haunting of you and how even now as I write I cry, and cry out loud to the nothingness of the world THAT IT HAS BEEN FUCKING YEARS. Choked throat and full of the unlikeliest chance of seeing you before my time is over and the history of me gone. Our history, whatever fucked up thing I imagined it to be, Gone. Breathing heavy down the roads of yesterdays, I see only now how pathetically I threw those chemicals into your life, breathing down your throat, and demanding you feel the same. What guts I had were false delusions of pure reality. Before, before and again every memory of your being strikes out my current hopes of the future, and what love holds. Those memories of your smile still stab me to this day. They close my throat, water my eyes, turn my insides solid, and now, now I see why you had to leave me empty. Not even a word comes from you. That sentence itself driving me insane because I know it will always be this way. How I demanded so much, how stupid was I to believe that this heart clenched projection of the future was actually something real. Something returned by the ONLY one that had EVER released those fucking chemicals that make up divine and pure love. Yet, only on my part was that ever true. Only on the sidelines, did I sit daydreaming about your arrival. Never second guessing what role you had in my fairytale of us. Those were no rose colored glasses, it was and will always be me, alone, blindfold and in my fictitious clouds of what could be. So I distract, distract, distract, and pray to my morbid mind that this will one day fade. Please, please, let it fade. With so many of those in my life right at this point I cannot be consumed by past delusions of “Our” love. What can ANY one Person in my position do with this contradiction of everything a person strides for. To let it go. For me to empty those memories, and except the reality of those who actually care about me now, maybe even in the way I care so much for you still. The only question that stays present in my mind and holds strong to truth is this - When will I break and fall tumbling to the part of the world where there is nothing but loneliness and bullshit self fulfilling prophecies of the insane. Alone, that’s my fear, my potentially hazard of an existence, with all this love pint up, destroying me, consuming me, I love you.